If I had a dime for the amount of times people have told me lately to ‘Be Safe’. I get it. It’s a good time to ‘Be Safe’ but I also know the reason it makes me cringe. With my personality, if I gave in to every time I wanted to ‘Be Safe’, I would most likely be existing in my bed in my home. Came this close to agoraphobic after my dad passed away, but I researched my panic attacks, had some pharmaceutical help and pushed myself.
I still push myself. This weekend I pushed myself to go to the Blue Ridge Mountains. I love that area, and it’s motivational for me at this transitional point in my life of going through a divorce. I can see myself in some Baba Yaga hut with chicken legs, hosting events and living out my life there, with a solar powered generator and compost toilets of course*.
It gives me something to look forward to. And honestly, it was the second time I had reserved this AirBNB (first time cancelling) so I did not want to cancel again even though the weather was been a bit iffy. It only snowed Friday and not that much, so I figured I would be okay.
I woke up super early and headed out. Got to the first piece of land that I wanted to look at, turned off the highway, went up a small hill and started sliding backwards headed towards a ditch. Shoot. My years of driving up north kicked in so I went into the slide and then straightened it out, going backwards all the way back to the highway.
Okay. Skip that one.
I waited until it warmed up and tried the second one.
Nope. The roads were warming up and melting for the most part, but still covered in snow and ice in the shade.
Crap.
Okay, I headed to the AirBNB getting there early at 1pm and proceed to have a panic attack. The kind I have these days is that my blood pressure spikes, puts pressure on my optical nerve and my vision goes fuzzy. I know what this is nowadays so it is not that bad. It’s a family thing as my mother gets them, too. Lots of people do actually. The majority of them also getting a migraine in the process. No migraine for me so I feel lucky, and this one passed quickly. Patted myself on the back and went for a walk on the property by the creek running through it. Cold but still lovely. Feeling a bit better.
Only on the way back, I run into some man walking on the road and instantly my blood pressure skyrockets again with my vision going wacko yet again. WTF. Doesn’t usually happen twice. I lie down, listen to some meditations, breathe and it goes away, but my anxiety is still pretty high.
The Wi-Fi in the AirBNB is horrible so I spend a good part of the night just meditating. Proud of myself for reaching that calm a few times, but it was work if you know what I mean.
The next morning I had three more properties to go see but Google map on my phone is not working, and I can’t see them on the small map I printed out. I am figuring it just isn’t working this weekend, so I head for home. Hmmm. Home. Where is that again?
Google maps is only showing a vague outline of major highways but not giving me actual directions. No Wi-Fi is not unusual in the mountains, so I just head west. Keep the sun behind you, stay on highways, and you’ll be fine.
And then somehow I get on this very small highway going up this very large mountain. By the time I realize this, I am very far along the highway so I figure the only way is forward. But I don’t like forward because I am thinking about slipping the day before. Slipping on here could mean going down a very large cliff. Have I mentioned that I am not the best driver?
By the time I get to the very top of the mountain, my anxiety is back in full gear. I spend some time talking to my Dad, the Land around me and some other miscellaneous deities mixed in with a ‘You can do this’ pep talk.
I stop at the top of the mountain and take a break. Get past the fear. It’s gorgeous.
And now I’m headed down the mountain. I manage to get my attitude in line. Most of the time, that is the problem, isn’t it.
The Apocalyptic war is within us. It’s where an old way of doing things meets a new way, when who we were gives way to who we’re becoming, and the world as we have known it before is smashed so a new world can take its place.“
-Marianne Williamson, The Psychological Apocalypse
When I get out of the Blue Ridge mountains, I discover it is not the mountains that is the problem on Google map. It is my phone which has evidently used up all of its data. It has unlimited data, but my $50 Cricket phone slips into an extremely slow gear when I use too much, and Mr. Google is not having it.
I try repeatedly to set my course home on Google, but no luck. So I just drive, getting lost several times and stopping repeatedly to try and read those small little lines on the outline of Google Map with my old eyes.
I get fed up with this and stop at a gas station. “Do you have maps?” “No, that is what Google is for,” the cashier tells me.
‘Well, do you know if that is 71?’ (the highway we are on mind you.)
‘No, I’m only 18. I don’t know anything like that.’
Hmm.
So I go down the street into a Shell gas station and ask if they have maps. Nope.
‘Do you know how to get to 71?’
‘No, I just moved here. Are you going to buy something?’
‘No.’
And then my stubbornness kicks in. I’m finding a map. And I’m getting home without Mr. Google, who’s become a little too big for his britches if you ask me. (You can tell I’m old because I use phrases like that.) But Goddamnit, I’m old enough to remember traveling all over using a map. And there was this sense of accomplishment that went with that. And you had a better idea of where exactly you were versus today’s world where I just politely wait for Mr. Google to tell me which way to turn and in how many minutes I’ll be home.
No thank you, Mr. Google. We’re breaking up. (Okay, I may need you tomorrow, but for today, get out.)
I find an Alabama welcome center. I find a map. Sitting outside in the sunshine, I find my zen.
And then I drive home.
“So this isn’t a time to be frightened; it’s a time to be wise. It’s a time to think more deeply, and live more deeply, and love more deeply, and connect more deeply to all the people and possibilities that are literally throwing themselves in front of us now. It’s not like new doors aren’t opening, it’s just that they don’t look like the old ones. The old way of doing things is so obviously bankrupt, but once again as it says in A Course in Miracles, some people would rather die than change their minds. We must be willing for the world to change, in which case we can direct the change; or else change will be thrust upon us, and it won’t be pretty.
Recognizing that there was as much we learned from our past failures as from our successes, from our pain as from our joys, and from our trials as from our good times, we see that everything we have been through has prepared us for this time. We have arrived at this moment perhaps scarred, but deeply informed. And we are more prepared than we seem to think we are for giving birth to what needs to happen now.”
-Marianne Williamson, The Psychological Apocalypse
Keep On Path 