Wasn't Jesus the original hippie? With his sandals, dress and kind, compassionate, tender, joyful nature? What a loaded word that is! I am oftentimes called a hippie – in some ways, I am, some not. I am an Older Mom with Young Kids and Older Kids, Four in All – Remarried, Striving to make a Step Family with Love and God's help.
Happy Valentines Day! How is everyone? I hope well and moving forward. I am … Tired. Tired, Tired, Tired. But at the same time, Tired of saying that I am Tired. Figuring that I should finally after four kids and fourteen years of interrupted sleepless nights and early mornings, just adjust to this as my new norm. I say that with a smile because my 2 year old is almost 3, and on child number four, I know that 3 years old is the magic age where their sleep matures. Yes, they have the occasional nighttime needs, but for the most part, they turn into those amazing creatures who hit the bed and sleep like rocks. So I am hopeful that I will be seeing some relief shortly.
Otherwise, things are going well. For February, that is. In Chicago, it is colder than a witches titty which means that we’re spending a lot of time indoors. Not the easiest thing for me, but I’m getting through the days, foreseeing and for the most part avoiding my meltdowns, handling my children’s meltdowns, making progress with my husband …
I have decided to get a cat. I have almost always had cats throughout my life. The only periods that I did not were due to my husbands, so I figure this is part of learning to be ‘me’ and not completely conform to everyone’s desires around me. Plus the universe conveniently sent us some mice to help speed the process along.
The application for a local adoption center was incredibly long and intimidating. Wow. I was a bit depressed because when it came to references, I was at a loss.
I admit it still sits in my craw when a woman who I was going to work with on a project asked me to not be so vocal saying that I openly say I don’t have close friends, having problems with my husband, my mother, my in-laws, so why should I expect people to listen to me.
I can come back and defend this explaining that I do have friends from growing up and from my early twenties that I still talk to and love dearly, but I moved around the country so much that I don’t have friends who have known me years and that I talk to or see regularly.
But then I thought, stop defending yourself.
Some days, I am very, very lonely.
I know this is not just me. I know no matter how good your relationship is with your spouse/partner, family, close friends in the area, nobody sees things exactly from your perspective.
So I have decided to face this loneliness head on. I am on a New Frontier. My great great grandfather from Scotland was put on a fishing boat in his teens that eventually came over here to the New World. When he said goodbye to his family, that was a final goodbye. No e-mail, no skype, no frequent flyer mileage. Just him off to hopefully make a better future.
I remind myself:
Be happy in your own skin.
Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay.
If you do, the people you eventually draw to you, will be the right ones.
People are going to say and do things that seem callous and mean,
Everyone is dealing with their own struggles, seeing things from their own perspective.
Odds are that what they do or say has very little to actually do with you.
We are living in some crazy amazing times. This new frontier is completely in my mind: how I choose to approach problems, deal with emotions and live every day life. And I have learned so much from reading other people’s stories on the internet. Face your truths. Tell your Stories.
My life is the same: same husband, children, ex-husband, family, in-laws, etc. But how I choose to see them and interact with them has shifted.
And everything is changing as a result.
Colette O'Neill, Innovator of Goddess Permaculture ~Writer ~ Teacher ~ Photographer
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